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How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

Relationships are the foundation of humanity. God orchestrated this by creating us as beings with hearts that desire to love and be loved by those around us. It’s why, since the beginning of history, people suffer with broken hearts when relationships fall apart. Whether through divorce, estrangement, fighting, bitter disagreement or death, loss of love can cause unbearable pain. There are songs, plays, poems and novels written about broken hearts so if you’re suffering with one, find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. You may feel hurt, angry, lonely and abandoned. You may think it is impossible, but your broken heart will heal if you let it. So how can you mend a broken heart?

Allow yourself to feel pain and trust it won’t last forever.

Consider this: God created us to heal from wounds. When physically injured, the human body immediately and automatically begins to repair itself. Likewise, the human heart naturally strives to heal itself. The human spirit has an amazing capacity to rebound again and again. Understanding this and trusting it will happen, in spite of your pain and sadness, will help you move on. It is important to accept you may not heal as fast as your ex. Some people simply heal faster than others. The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take your heart to mend, but you will get through it. Don’t fight the healing process. It takes time. Be patient. “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 NRSVC)

TIP: Although you won’t feel like it, keep moving. Exercise is the single most effective therapy for depression. Read more. Think about joining a gym, joining an adult sports league (flag football, softball, dodgeball, basketball, tennis, etc.) or taking a dance class to get moving and meet new people.

Persevere.

At first, this simply may mean forcing yourself to get out of bed every morning and going through the motions of daily life. You’ll want to crawl back under the blankets and wallow in self-pity, but resist the temptation because eventually you’ll wake up each day and realize your heart hurts just a little bit less than it did the day before. When a relationship ends, you may feel the sting of failure, but remember the only real failure is not getting up one more time. My mother used to say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This is especially true when recovering from a broken heart. “Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (Jon 1:2-4, RSVCE)

Talk to someone.

Confide in a trusted family member, friend or pastor about the emotions – hurt, anger, guilt, resentment, sadness, rejection – you are experiencing. It is important to talk about your feelings in order to keep from expressing them in destructive ways. Confiding in someone you trust is like using crutches when you sprain your ankle. When your heart is broken, having someone to lean on gives you the strength you need to carry on. “For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:10 RSVCE)

NOTE: Broken hearts can take a long time to heal, but if nothing seems to help resolve your pain, if you are having an exceptionally difficult time dealing with your emotions, or if you feel desperate, please talk to a professional counselor. To talk confidentially to someone who is unbiased about your situation now, chat with a HopeCoach now or get immediate help by calling TheHopeLine®  Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255.

Talk to God.

Regardless of what we do or fail to do, God will always love us. God knows everything about us – our flaws, failings, sins and transgressions – and in spite of it all, He still loves us and will never leave us. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” (Jeremiah 31:3 RSVCE)

Only God loves us this way. The bottom line is once you hold this truth in your heart, you will be blessed with all the strength and courage you need to face rejection from others. Talk to God. Share your broken heart with Him. Ask God to help you heal and have faith that He will. Remember, God loves you no matter what and has a very special plan for you. “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11 RSVCE)

TIP: Lots of churches and parishes have singles clubs. If your church doesn’t have a singles club, think about starting one and if you don’t belong to a church, now might be a good time to join one.

NOTE: Hope, Help and Healing is a faith-based on-line personal study program designed for those in separation or divorce, but is a beneficial resource for anyone, married or unmarried, going through a break-up.

Forgive and learn from your mistakes.

Forgiveness truly is the gateway to healing and happiness. Your relationship may have ended over some horribly egregious transgression. It may have ended over a series of irreconcilable differences or it may have died from lack of attention. Whatever the cause and no matter the circumstances, forgive your ex. This will be difficult if you feel the victim and especially difficult if your ex does not seek to be forgiven. Do it anyway. Our Lord Jesus tells us, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” (Matthew 6:12)

Often times a broken heart can lead you to feel blameless. If this is the true for you, take time to ask yourself some meaningful questions about your failed relationship.

  • Was I attentive enough?
  • Was I selfish?
  • Was I overly possessive or jealous?
  • Was I insensitive to my ex’s feelings?
  • Did I respect my ex’s responsibilities and goals?
  • Was I verbally abusive?
  • Was I quick to anger and slow to forgive?

Honest answers to these types of questions will lead you to a more profound understanding of how your behavior contributed to your break up. The Holy Spirit  may be lead you to apologize to your ex or to turn to God with a repentant heart, seeking His forgiveness. Whatever you do, learn from your mistakes so you will be better equipped to make your next relationship happy, healthy and successful.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:

TheHopeLine®

Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255

Chat with a HopeCoach

Talk confidentially to someone who is unbiased about your situation now

Free Downloadable eBook: Getting Over A Broken Heart

It’s something no one ever wishes for, but likely something everyone will experience. If you have the capacity to love, then you also have the capacity to be hurt. Anytime you open yourself up to love, you risk getting a broken heart. This eBook will give you the steps to get over a broken heart to help you cope, heal and love again.

In this Ebook:

  • 26 page magazine-style eBook with colorful photos and steps to recover and move on from a broken heart.
  • Real audio calls to listen to others share about their heartbreak experiences.
  • A personal video interview with Lacey Sturm (formally Flyleaf lead singer) on recovering from a broken heart.
  • What to avoid after a break up and how to save yourself from getting a broken heart the next time.
  • Also, how to help a friend get through heartbreak.

12 Steps for Overcoming the Pain of Divorce

Hope, Help and Healing

A six-week personal study for those going through separation of divorce that will guide you to sections of the Bible that are relevant to the emotions, worries and questions you are dealing with right now. We like to think of the Bible as the “owner’s manual“ for life. It’s a place where you can get real-world answers for real-world problems, including separation and divorce. Unmarried persons going through a break up may also find this study beneficial.

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You May Need God’ Help to Find Your Way

Here is a real life experience of how God works mysteriously in our lives. It is offered to encourage anyone who may be having doubts that God always hears us, loves us, and provides what is best for us. This author, who wishes to remain anonymous, is a cradle Catholic born before Vatican II who has been wonderfully blessed by God with many talents, a loving family, a fifty-plus year marriage, and a successful business career before retiring. He writes under the pen-name initials of JCM – the meaning of which is another story. JCM has written numerous articles for national and international technical journals and industrial publications, he reviews proposed articles for these journals, and has taught technical courses in academia and industry. He and his wife wrote a weekly “Did You Know” column for their church’s parish bulletin for over three years.

You May Need God’ Help to Find the Way When the GPS Directional Street Signs Are Missing!

by Anonymous

Image Credit: https://thumbs.dreamstime.com
Image Credit: https://thumbs.dreamstime.com

Saturday morning dawned clear and bright for our grand-daughters confirmation. Her family attends a mission parish, St. Clair of Assisi in Altoona, GA, which only has the gym at a local public high school to use for celebrating mass each weekend. For this occasion, her class was joining with a class from nearby St. Francis of Assisi Catholic Church in Cartersville where Bishop Sarema would confirm the candidates and say mass.

Two days before the trip, I printed the GPS directions on how to get from our house to the church. They looked pretty simple. Go north on I-75, get off at exit 283, go west to Emerson GA, and then follow the directions for a few turns for the last couple of miles to arrive at the church.

I was feeling pretty smug as I breezed along with the rest of the traffic making good time as we all made sure not to go slower than the posted interstate speed (I-75). We peeled off onto the exit ramp and when we reached the end of it, the realization struck that we were no longer in the fast moving modern world. We were now in the country. There was no traffic light at the end of the ramp. This did not seem like it would be a problem because we would just continue the rest of the five mile trip at a very leisurely pace as my wife lovingly cautioned me that the posted speed limit was now 35 mph. We also should not have a problem in getting to the church well before the 11 am start time since we had flown the first eighty percent of the trip.

Image Credit: http://mtmonadnock.org
Image Credit: http://mtmonadnock.org

Per the GPS directions, we drove the prescribed 0.8 miles and quickly passed through the posted portion of the town of Emerson, which has no traffic light and only a couple of small dilapidated stores with a few old pickup trucks out front. We continued per the directions looking for a sign for “Old Alabama Road”, where we would turn left. We quickly passed a narrow “Michigan Road”, that was headed south instead of north if it were really going to Michigan, followed by an access road to return to I-75, and then several unlabeled dirt roads at approximately mile intervals. Now I was starting to feel somewhat concerned about being lost and not making it to the confirmation in time as the farm acreage and timberland passed by with nary a person or building in sight for asking directions.

At about that moment the Holy Spirit intervened in my thoughts. He reminded me that I have not been too proud in the past to ask for directions and that now would be a good time to go back to Emerson to ask for help so that we would not miss the start of His confirming visit into my grand-daughters life. My dear wife, who had been scanning the roadsides for signs without comment and usually knows what I am thinking, must have overheard the Holy Spirit because when He finished His silent advice she piped up with an observation that there is a road going off to the left up ahead where we can turn around. So, in view of those two strong nudges, I turned around and headed back to Emerson.

We knew from our prior pass through that there was no gas station here so I decided to just stop at the first store we came to. Easing into the dirt and graveled pothole lot next to the first store we came to in Emerson, I spied a newly arrived local group of leather-clothed and booted Bikers with scruffy beards, except for one woman who was riding with them. They were just dismounting from their shiny chrome Harleys at the local watering hole as they took a break from their traditional Saturday morning ride. I headed for them for help. This was not the first time in my life that I have “Rushed in Where Angels Fear to Tread” but that is because I know that where there are angels God is nearby and they will be praising him and not walking, and He will protect me.

Being the ever gallant cowardly type, I drove up so that they were on my wife’s side of the car, because she is the sweet type that everyone wants to help. The shocked look on the Bikers faces was priceless as the wife of this couple in their seventies in a red sport car rolled down her window and asked in her soft southern drawl: “Hi folks, can yo’all help us get to St. Francis Catholic Church in Cartersville?” The closest biker, whose only physical resemblance to Jesus was that he was about the same height and had a beard, quickly responded very kindly. When Jesus was on earth He would have been in continuous communications with His Father about such a problem. This biker used a modern-day communication method. He borrowed the lady biker’s GPS-equipped smart phone to get us on our way. We thanked them profusely after we learned how to take the ramp back to I-75 and then veer off to reach “Old Alabama Road”. We arrived thankfully and safely at the church more than 15 minutes early.

If this were a fairy tale, it would have ended with the bikers escorting us to the church and then joining us for the ceremony. But, the real life ending was perhaps even better. We thanked them profusely for their help and they smiled as they waved good bye to us as we left with the look of being so pleased that they who some may consider to be outcasts were accepted and helpful.

Today, we so often fixate on trying to recognize Christ in the least of our brothers and sisters before we try to help them, that we miss a lot of opportunities. Similarly, we often spend so much time in making judgments that we fail to recognize Christ’s presence in others who want to help us. Fortunately on this trip, the Holy Spirit knew that we needed help and opened our eyes and hearts to the available help so that we would not be late for His Confirmation of our granddaughter. What a wonderful experience that two diverse groups could recognize Christ’s presence in each other and respond joyfully.

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Jesus, Please Help Me Find My Cross

The following essay is a real life experience from an anonymous author, an example of how God works mysteriously in our lives. It is offered to encourage anyone who may be having doubts that God always hears us, loves us, and provides what is best for us. This author is a cradle Catholic born before Vatican II who has been wonderfully blessed by God with many talents, a loving family, and a successful business career before retiring. He writes under the pen-name initials of JCM – the meaning of which is another story.  

Each morning at about dawn I begin my day by recalling the events in the human life of Jesus and His mother, Mary, per the format of the rosary, and then continue to pray, using the rosary format, for relatives and friends as well as major concerns of the day. Being a type “A” person, I double task by concurrently praying and exercising while walking in the house, or weather permitting, outside in the neighborhood. My rosary has a lot sentimental value because it was made and given to me by a deacon at our church many years ago, and has been prayed to get me successfully through many problems in life.

Photo Credit: Everyday Catholic
Photo Credit: Everyday Catholic

Just before dawn on a recent Sunday morning I pulled my rosary out of its small leather case as I stepped outside and grasped in the partial darkness for the crucifix to begin. SHOCK! The crucifix was missing! A mild panic set in! What happened to it? Since I am the only one who uses this rosary, I quickly started mentally retracing my prior use of it. I remembered the crucifix being there the previous morning when I started the rosary but did not knowingly touch it when putting it back in its case. Being a logical engineer, I conclude that I must have lost it while walking outside the previous day. So I set out to retrace my usual path down my driveway and on about a half mile of roads through the neighborhood.

As I walked, my prayerful intention in saying the rosary, as my fingers held each part except the missing cross, was to find the missing crucifix. My gut feeling was that this task would be like finding the proverbial “needle in a haystack” because the cross was less than two inches high and its dark gray color was about the same as the asphalt on the road, assuming that the cross was on the road and had not bounced into the vegetation adjacent to the road. With these nagging doubts, I reached the road at the bottom of my driveway and had started on the second joyful mystery of the trip Mary took on her visitation when a voice inside me said, “John, I am giving you a break from the troubles you have been having by taking away your cross!”

Suddenly, the panic I felt when I realized that the cross was missing was like a drop of water in the ocean compared to the panic that I now felt. “Oh, God,” I thought, “What are you telling me? Is my earthly life about to end? I am not ready! It’s not time yet! Remember that we have this one-sided prayer of mine, that you have not agreed to, that I should live longer than my wife so that I can care for this beautiful daughter of yours that you have entrusted to me to return to you. Thank you that she is doing well but it would be cowardly for me to leave her to fend for herself!”

As I continued to walk along the road and hold back the tears of grief, I prayed repeatedly while also continuing with the mysteries of the rosary, “Jesus, please give me a cross to carry with you. I want to carry a little bit of what you have carried for us. Please let me do my share and not be a free-loader. Please give me back my cross.”

I was really down as I completed the half-mile path on the road that brought me back to my driveway without finding the cross. But still having hope, I decided that I should walk the path again because now that the sun was up a little more, maybe I could see better and find the cross. As I reached my driveway, I was in the middle of the fourth sorrowful mystery, The Carrying of the Cross, while still praying that I might find my cross. Miraculously, what a glorious sight in the early morning light – the crucifix I was seeking was on the driveway next to the morning newspaper. It had been run over. The cross itself was slightly curved. The corpus Jesus was next to the cross and an arm was broken. But at least I had found my cross. And so I rejoiced because I knew that Jesus had given me back my cross!

While the jeweler was not able to repair the broken crucifix, we found another one to install on the rosary. But even more important, Jesus assured me that I had jumped to erroneous conclusions with the message that I thought I had heard when starting my search. We will continue to have crosses in life to carry with Him. Alleluia! They are just likely to change as did the crucifix on my rosary.

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Male Vulnerability

The following essay, by Joey Martineck, was first published on February 22, 2016 online at Beautiful Things.

Screen Shot 2016-02-25 at 7.13.42 AMVulnerability.

It’s a struggle for me. It’s a struggle for every man. We like to put our strengths on display and conceal our weaknesses. Sadly, it’s possible for us to know a man for years – to see him every day at the office or every weekend at church – without ever having a meaningful conversation with him. We stay at the surface because it feels safe. But from my own experience, I can testify that we were made for more than only pragmatic, surface level conversations.

Time for some Honesty:

When I worked in sales, my life appeared successful on the outside. Inside though, I felt dead. My accomplishments were my way of coping with a deep insecurity I had carried within me since I was a kid. Eventually during my career, I reached a place of vulnerability where I experienced brothers in Christ loving me in my weakness. That moment changed my life dramatically. But it only happened because I was willing to look honestly at my problems.

Are you in touch with your weakness? Or are you numb like I was for so long? In his book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge says that “a wound unfelt is a wound [that remains] unhealed.” The crisis of male vulnerability today is not an accident. It stems from the insecurities we have as men. It comes from the way we have tried to cope with deep hurts in our life. In my hurts, I relied on myself and other’s opinions of me rather than the Father who loves me as I am. But we end up deceiving ourselves when we ignore our pain. The Lord encourages us to “not be afraid” to make the first step toward vulnerability: looking honestly at our brokenness (Isah 41:10).

 

Exposing the Wounds:

I was at a men’s retreat in Tiger, GA a few years back. On the retreat were some of the top Catholic ministry leaders across the country. After brief introductions, the MC opened the retreat with this comment.

“My name is Jack*, and I am a failure of a husband, father, and Catholic.”

I was absolutely shocked. Never before had I experienced grown men being so genuinely open about their weaknesses. They echoed the words of St. Paul where he says, “I willingly boast about my weakness, that the power of Christ might be perfected in me” (2 Cor 12:9). The men on that retreat and St. Paul were unafraid to openly talk about their weaknesses because they had something in common: they had exposed their wounds to Jesus Christ.

Screen Shot 2016-02-25 at 7.21.20 AM

Doubting God’s goodness, we often try to hide our pain from him. Adam’s first reaction after eating the apple was to hide, but the Father still sought him out in love (Gen 3:9). Prayer stops becoming lifeless repetition for us when we actually start exposing our wounds to Jesus. Because in Jesus Christ, we find a man who is not afraid to expose his wounds to us. After the resurrection, Jesus came to Thomas and said, “Put your hand in my side and believe” (John 20:27). In Jesus, we do not find an impersonal God who doesn’t care about our pain, but a man who “is able to sympathize with our weakness” (Heb 4:15). When we experience Jesus loving us at our worst, we no longer need to hide our insecurities and receive the freedom to be vulnerable.

 

True Brotherhood:

The fruit of vulnerability – guided by prudence – is true brotherhood. Think of the friendship of Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings. These two men (hobbits actually) spent a lot of time together in the safe home of their Shire. But vulnerability really begins for Frodo and Sam once they step out of their hobbit holes on a journey to save the world. They talk along the way about their hopes and dreams, about their disappointments and failures. They bear each other’s burdens. We see clearly how just as “iron sharpens iron, man sharpens man” (Prov 27:17). As the story plays out, it is not strength and power that saves the world, but true brotherhood.

What an utter travesty it is that we have reduced our concept of intimacy to mere sexual expression. No wonder we as men often feel so empty and alone. The Book of James guides us toward true brotherhood by saying, “Confess your sins to one another that you may find healing” (Jam 5:16). Of course, this applies to the great gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation for us Catholics. But I believe this is also an encouragement for us to be vulnerable. St. Augustine courageously shows us the way to do this in his book The Confessions. There, he reveals the good, bad, and ugly of his life and where God was working the whole time.

Under St. Augustine’s patronage, I have been involved in several small groups where men intentionally share their lives with each other. In these meetings, I have seen conversion take place, healing occur, vocations develop, and lasting friendships form. The enemy tries to make us believe that we are alone. By sharing our struggles, we fulfill the scripture in Revelation that says, “For the accuser of our brothers has been cast out, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony” (Rev 12:10-11).

 

The Courageous Step toward Vulnerability

If you are not currently in a men’s group, have you sought one out in your community? Any form of a men’s group is good: a bible study, Knights of Columbus, etc. However, I particularly encourage support groups like Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP), Cursillo, That Man is You (TMIY), or some other small group model with intentional sharing. If this is not available in your church/community, I challenge you to start one. Seriously! It only takes one man to step out and say “I struggle” to give other men the freedom to be vulnerable too.

You were not made for isolation; you were made for communion. May you have the courage to make a concrete step toward vulnerability in whatever way that looks like in your life right now. Do not be afraid to expose your wounds to Jesus who knows our pain and always seeks to find us.

Bibliography:
*Name substituted for privacy.
John Eldredge. Wild at Heart. (Thomas Nelson: Nashville, Tennesee). 2010.
Lord of the Rings Graphic: http://www.morethaneitheralone.net/frodo-sam-recs.html
Thomas Graphic: https://churchmousec.wordpress.com/2010/04/10/doubting-thomas-john-2019-31/

 

JoeyJoey Martineck graduated from Georgia Tech in 2012 with a degree in computer engineering. He loves to write, act, improv, dance and sing and is the published author of the one act play Wise Men. Currently, Joey is studying philosophy at Notre Dame Seminary in New Orleans where he is in formation to become a Roman Catholic priest. You can read more from Joey by visiting his blog Beautiful Things, a place where art and the Church come together.

 

 

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Word to the Wise on Valentines Day: Real Men Do Romance

Enjoy this annual Valentines Day post from one of our favorite blogs, Just Another Ordinary Day.

Enjoy… and Happy Valentines Day.

To My Sons,

Today is Valentine’s Day so it seems a good day to remind you there’s something to be said for good, old-fashioned, romantic rituals. Even though you probably think Valentine’s Day is mostly a money gauging Hallmark-led conspiracy, rest assured girls still like it. And by the way, did you know Valentine’s Day was first linked to romantic love in the mid-14th century before Hallmark even existed? It was a time when courtly love flourished and a gentleman was expected to be noble and chivalrous in expressing his love and admiration for a lady. Sadly, good, old-fashioned romance has fallen out of style these days.

Maybe guys your age think it’s archaic, hokey and unmanly to be romantic, but it’s my guess you’re simply confused by radical liberal feminist propaganda. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. While modern women (myself included) expect equal pay for equal work, are independent and make it clear we are fully capable of taking care of ourselves, deep down (even if we don’t admit it) we LOVE to be courted. Yes I said courted, as in swept-off-our-feet-weak-in-the-knees-hearts-all-a-flutter courted. We are suckers for the guy who brings us flowers, sings us love songs, takes us on real dates, opens doors, offers his coat, kills the spiders, turns off the phone and we are REAL suckers for VALENTINE’S DAY.

Christian and Jared, my hope for you is this. Someday when you find the girl who captures your heart, you will take the time to acknowledge your love with good, old-fashioned romantic rituals. My hope is you will do it on Valentine’s Day… and every day.

Now. In the meantime, since neither one of you has a sweetheart (or is willing to admit to having one) I’d like to remind you it’s been more than a decade since I received one of those red-construction-paper-cut-out-hearts. The way I see it, until you find that special someone, there is absolutely nothing creepy about your making Valentine’s Day all about me. It’s a little late and all the good cards are probably gone so a poem is fine. Text or email is fine.

Love,

Momma

Copyright © 2013 Just Another Ordinary Day All Rights Reserved

 

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Will the Real St. Valentine Please Stand Up

Valentines Day is not a holiday invented by Hallmark to sell cards and make the unattached miserable. While the Catholic Church no longer honors St. Valentine with an official feast day, the holiday has both Roman and Catholic Roots.

Credit: http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/ValentinesDay/origins.asp
Credit: http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/ValentinesDay/origins.asp
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